How to communicate : the ultimate guide to improving your personal and professional relationships
by Martha Davis · 1997
Genre: Essays
Rating: 3.6/5
A straightforward behavioral guide to communication skills from three psychologists. Strongest on assertiveness and negotiation; weakest on the emotional barriers to speaking honestly.
This self-help manual treats communication as a learnable skill rather than an art, and mostly succeeds on its own modest terms.
How to Communicate arrives as a workmanlike guide from three psychologists who understand that most people need permission to speak clearly and listen generously. It's not trying to be literature—it's trying to be useful, which is a different and sometimes harder ambition. The book deserves credit for taking its readers' confusion seriously rather than dismissing it as a character flaw.
McKay, Davis, and Fanning approach communication as a sequence of teachable behaviors. Listen actively. Name your feelings without blame. Maintain eye contact. Negotiate fairly. The structure is almost algorithmic: problem identified, technique explained, exercise provided. For readers drowning in misunderstanding—people who've never been taught that you can ask for what you need without aggression—this clarity is a gift. The book doesn't pretend communication is mystical or intuitive; it's a skill set, learnable as carpentry, and that democratizing impulse matters.
The section on assertiveness training is particularly strong. Davis and company distinguish between passivity, aggression, and assertiveness with the precision of someone who has watched hundreds of people confuse these categories. They offer scripts. They explain why those scripts work. They acknowledge the cultural and gender pressures that make assertiveness feel dangerous for many readers. This is practical psychology at its best: not prescriptive, but permission-granting and specific.
Where the book falters is in its treatment of the emotional landscape beneath communication breakdown. Why do we avoid difficult conversations? The authors offer behavioral techniques—practice, exposure, positive self-talk—but rarely excavate the shame, fear of abandonment, or learned helplessness that makes silence feel safer than speech. The book is all surface and strategy, which works for people seeking tactical solutions but leaves deeper psychological work untouched.
The transactional analysis section feels dated even for 1997, relying on Berne's Parent-Adult-Child framework with mechanical certainty. Modern readers will recognize this as one useful lens among many, not the comprehensive model the authors present. Additionally, the cultural examples and gender dynamics discussed reflect their era's assumptions; what felt progressive then reads as incomplete now. The book needed more humility about its own limitations and more willingness to say 'this might not apply to your situation.'
Still, this is exactly what it claims to be: a guide. Not a revelation. Not a transformation. A patient, unglamorous instruction manual for people who've been told to 'just communicate better' without any actual instruction. For that specific reader—the one who needs permission and structure more than insight—How to Communicate delivers on its promise without pretending to be something grander than it is.
Key Takeaways
- Skill over insight
- Permission to speak
- Behavior before feeling
Summary
- Three psychologists offer a behavioral approach to communication, breaking the skill into learnable components: listening, self-disclosure, expression, body language, and conflict resolution.
- The assertiveness training section stands out for its clarity on the distinction between passivity, aggression, and assertive communication, with practical scripts and exercises.
- The book treats communication as a technical problem with technical solutions, which helps readers stuck in avoidance but misses the emotional roots of silence.
- Advanced sections on transactional analysis, hidden agendas, and cultural differences provide breadth, though some frameworks feel prescriptive rather than exploratory.
- Strongest when teaching specific skills (fair fighting, negotiation, active listening) and weakest when attempting to explain why people resist those skills in the first place.
- The writing is clear and accessible, designed for self-help readers rather than academic audiences, with frequent exercises to reinforce concepts.
- Reflects its 1997 publication date in its cultural examples and gender dynamics; some advice about professional communication has aged better than personal relationship guidance.
- A competent, unglamorous guide for readers seeking tactical improvement rather than psychological transformation; useful for its specificity but limited by its surface-level approach.
Chapter Guide
- Chapter 1: The Basics of Clear Communication
- Introduces communication as a learnable skill, not a personality trait, and lays out the core ingredients of sending and receiving messages well. The section likely establishes the book’s practical, self-help tone and its focus on everyday interaction.
- Chapter 2: Listening With Intent
- Focuses on active listening, attention, and the habits that make people feel heard rather than managed. It likely shows how poor listening quietly sabotages both intimacy and competence.
- Chapter 3: Speaking Honestly and Clearly
- Covers how to express needs, opinions, and feelings without drifting into vagueness, blame, or aggression. The emphasis is on directness that preserves connection instead of winning arguments.
- Chapter 4: Reading Messages Beneath the Words
- Explores nonverbal cues, tone, and the gaps between what people say and what they mean. This section likely teaches readers to notice context, emotion, and hidden signals in conversation.
- Chapter 5: Handling Conflict and Criticism
- Offers strategies for disagreeing, responding to criticism, and keeping conflict from escalating into contempt. The goal is not harmony at any price, but conflict that produces understanding.
Read the full review at https://reviewerinsight.com/book/69f6ba38c84c962c4b77520d/how-to-communicate-the-ultimate-guide-to-improving-your-personal-and-professional-relationships